Tuning into What You Really Want in a Relationship

Most people can easily identify undesirable qualities and red flag behaviors they don’t want to see in a partner, such as a partner who let them down and made excuses for it as easily as they breathed. Past dating experiences help build this foundation.

If you ask people what they do want instead, the answers are often more vague. Long pauses and internal searching precede any response. That hesitation, as subtle as it may be, can be telling. Often, it’s a sign that specific wants never felt like an option before, so they were never vocalized.

Why This Is Harder Than It Sounds

Knowing what you want assumes you believe you’re allowed to have it. Some people grow up in environments where they have to attend to everyone else’s needs before their own. That can lead to never realizing their own desires.

You learn how to adjust, which also means suppressing your preferences. When you find yourself wanting something, it feels greedy or indulgent. Your system learned to do what was necessary for survival, and no one ever taught you how to bring your needs back to the surface.

Start With Patterns Over Preferences

If you want to start tuning into your wants, the best place to begin is by looking at what you’ve been drawn to in the past. How we interact as adults is often influenced by attachment patterns from previous relationships.

Can you pinpoint any common threads between past partners? Maybe you may feel pulled towards unpredictable dynamics, calling it passion, when really it’s just familiar. Once you find it, you can stop repeating the pattern.

Look for Safety, Not Just Sparks

Excitement draws in everyone. We all want that butterflies feeling with a partner, but it doesn’t automatically mean a real connection. A partner who follows through and stays present for the hard conversations may not rank high on the excitement scale at first, but steadiness is what longevity is built on. Safety remains long after that initial spark fades away.

The next time you’re getting to know someone, really pay attention to how you feel around them. Do you feel tension melt away or your hurried thoughts start to slow down? Do you notice that you become a better version of yourself? Calm isn’t something many of us feel automatically, so if someone is pulling that towards you, it’s not a bad thing.

Be Specific

If you’ve started identifying your wants and have kind or funny on the list, dig a bit deeper. While those are great starting points, they’re not very telling. Keep pushing towards something more concrete:

• How do they handle stress? Are they able to talk through it, or do they need space to process?

• What do they prioritize? Career, family, faith, or something completely different?

• How do they handle conflict? Do they work through disagreement, explore, or shut down?

• How do they show up when times are hard? Can you depend on them, or are they only there for easy moments?

While many can be viewed as kind or funny, not everyone will hold up under the weight of these questions. It's how someone actually behaves in these deeper moments that determines how steady a relationship will be.

Your Wants Matter

Never feel like you need to provide justification for wanting what you want. Wanting someone consistent and genuine doesn’t make you needy. You deserve to feel chosen without having to earn that feeling.

Tuning into what you want takes time, especially when you’re not used to it. The result is well worth the effort, though. Don’t settle for another relationship that doesn’t fulfill your deepest desires.

If you find yourself struggling to make this shift, I’d love to walk you through it. Set up a free consultation for a relationship counseling session to discuss what you’re looking to accomplish and whether working together is a good fit.

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