Learning to Live with the Ebb and Flow of Grief

Grief rarely comes and goes in a straight line. If you’ve been waiting for the day when your sadness finally packs its bag and leaves, you may want to reassess your relationship with grief. Let me gently offer you a different approach.

Grief Isn’t a Problem to Solve

People arrive at therapy sessions expecting grief to operate like a checklist. Feel a sense of sadness, check. Cry over your loss, check. Accept a new reality and move on, check. When it doesn’t play out like that, they feel like something is wrong with them.

Grief isn’t a linear process. You cannot "complete" grief. It's something that you learn to carry over time. Some days will feel heavy. Others will feel almost normal. Both sides of this are a natural part of the process.

Why Grief Comes in Waves

This back-and-forth is often described as an oscillation, a natural movement between confronting loss and trying to return to routine life. In the morning, you're sobbing after being triggered by an old photograph. In the evening, you may find yourself laughing at a joke. This shift is your mind and body trying to find little moments of rest or relief so you can continue functioning.

Grief triggers bring grief rushing back, weeks or even years later. A song on the radio, an anniversary, a familiar smell, or a favorite holiday can pull you right back into the intensity of the early days of your loss. Feeling this way doesn’t mean you’re regressing. It just means your feelings don’t have an expiration date.

Signs You’re Riding the Wave

It can be hard to tell whether your experience is a healthy ebb and flow or something that needs additional support. Signs that you’re moving through grief include:

• Moments of genuine relief or joy between the harder days

• You’re able to talk about loss, even when it’s painful

• You can maintain basic responsibilities most of the time

• The intensity of your loss softens with time, even if it never disappears

• You feel connected to memories of your loved one rather than only pain

If you’re feeling hopeless or withdrawn from your life, or have an inability to function for extended periods, this is a red flag and is something therapy can help you work through.

Making Room for the Waves

Rather than fighting the ups and downs of grief, I encourage you to build more flexibility into your expectations. That might look like allowing yourself to step away from a family gathering if grief is hitting hard, or giving yourself permission to enjoy an ordinary moment without feeling guilt for being happy.

This flexibility also helps you build small rituals into your normal routine that honor your loss. Lighting a candle on a birthday or using their name out loud when you’re thinking of them can create space for grief without letting it completely take over.

You're Not Alone

Grief has a way of feeling isolating, even when you have supportive people in your circle. There’s often an underlying worry that you’re grieving too much or too little. Know there is no wrong way to grieve. Your way is the right way for you, and it deserves support rather than judgment.

If you’re caught in waves that feel too much to handle on your own, I would love to help you find your balance. Grief therapy isn’t about rushing toward a point of closure. It’s about giving you support while you learn how to move forward with your loss. I offer a no-commitment consultation where we can talk about what you’re carrying and see if working together is a good fit. Contact me to get started.

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